If i were in charge of my bio

Every week the volunteers at work receive an email from the Kids Club staff to
keep them up to date on all the happenings, activities and opportunities going
on. Recently Kimbo (coworker who handles the email) asked some of us to
provide bios. The feedback has been positive so Kimbo asked a bunch more
of us to provide one.

Chances are good that my first draft will not make it past the vetting process...but
here it is:

Up Close and Personal with David: Kid's Club Creative Dude
David was raised by a merry band of small woodland creatures after his biological
mother "accidentally" dropped him over a safety rail at Grand Canyon National
Park. The squirrels, woodchucks, and badgers did an outstanding job of teaching
him to burrow, climb trees, and hide from tourists. He lived on roots, berries and
snails until the age of 8. By that time the legend of the "small naked kid" prompted
authorities to do a detailed sweep of the park. David was found laughing hysterically
while holding two pine cones. He was fortunately reunited with his human family
because his father had filed a missing persons report a few weeks earlier.

Every childhood has its bumps along the way and the majority of David's always
had something to do with an inability to restrict his bathroom obligations to
designated facilities. But to be fair, when you view an entire national park as
your personal bathroom...being confined to set rooms can be a bit...well...confining.

"Personal space" was an especially tough concept for David to understand
as some of his guardians at the Grand Canyon were spider monkeys. Spider
monkeys love to pass the day picking bugs out of each others hair. It's how
they show love. Barettes in little girls hair look like bugs. And I know what your
thinking but as surprising as it is...the Grand Canyon has a healthy number of
spider monkeys on the premises.

Hilarious experiences ensued (all too long for this quick email) and 28 years
after birth David finds himself surrounded by a lovely wife and young daughter.
His hobbies include: changing diapers, submitting to authority and skyline chili.